Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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