Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
