Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
