So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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