he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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