why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
