I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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