I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
