LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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