she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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