dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
