So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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