So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
