I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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