Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize