I accidentally had phone sex last night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
