I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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