Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
