had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
