Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
