You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
