My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize