Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
