Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
