Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
