Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
