I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
