last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
