Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
