I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
