Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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