I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
