Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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