ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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