That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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