its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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