my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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