I will die if light touches me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
