My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
