i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
