Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
