You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
