You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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