Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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