Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
