MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
