so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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