Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
