I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
