I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
