Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize