Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
