He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
