you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
