took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My liver just had a heart attack.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
