Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
