thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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