Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
