guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
